In Soviet Russia, Soda Drinks You

I think this experiment is taking a toll on my body. I can't sleep from all the caffeine, I've gained a couple of pounds and I'm down to six teeth. But I must continue in the name of science. One good thing that has come from this is the new ability to distinguish Root Beer from Birch Beer. And by distinguish I mean not distinguish at all, they taste exactly the same. With that said, here's what I guzzled today...

Leninade, Gardena CA

This bottle is riddled with semi-clever tags such as "A Taste Worth Standing In Line For", and "Get Hammered And Sickled!". I don't really understand that last one seeing as it doesn't contain any alcohol, and "Get Sickled" just sounds like "Get Sick". The taste of the soda itself uninspiring and sure didn't conjure up images of an unattainable social utopia. It wasn't sweet at all and barely tasted like lemonade. Also, it was heavily carbonated which is uncharacteristic of lemonade. Everything was backwards, like in the Motherland. Overall it was a shitty soda. There, I said it. Now we can move on.

Cocktail Suggestions: Stoli and Leninade

Rating: 6 Crotch Grabs From The King of Pop

Boylan's Original Birch Beer, Moonachie NJ

Like I said earlier, Birch Beer and Root Beer taste almost identical. If there is a distinguishing characteristic that sets them apart I couldn't tell. The ingredients list Birch extract which makes me wonder if they just use sap from a Birch tree. Who was the first person to look at a Birch tree and think, "Hey, I want to drink that". Boylan's uses real cane sugar which is always a plus, unless they put too much in which was the case with this soda. While I was drinking it I couldn't tell but as soon as I let up it was as if an IED made of sugar had exploded in the figurative war-zone that was my mouth. My teeth were the casualties in this senseless drama, gritty with the aftermath of the situation, replaying the scenario over and over. Luckily I had an exit strategy and chucked the last half of the soda.
Cocktail Suggestions: Whiskey and Birch Beer
Rating: 5 Crotch Grabs From The King of Pop