This Soda is Makin' Me Thirsty!

Fooooof! I've been gone waaaay too long, sorry guys. I've actually been trying to lay off of sugar and save some money in dental reconstruction. But then I made the mistake of falling asleep in the dentist's chair and that asswipe installed an extra row of teeth! So now I have these teeth that I need to get rid of somehow and I figured the tastiest way to do that is to go buy more soda.

DRY Rhubarb Soda, Seattle WA

I like my soda like I like my criticism, dry and unforgiving. So you could imagine the zeal that overtook me as I came upon the section of Galco's designated for dry sodas. Rows on rows of odd and questionably flavored quaffs. Having been a long time lover of mama's rhubarb pies I immediately grabbed this little guy. I was taken back at how precisely DRY had captured the essence of Rhubarb. It's very acidic, almost citrusy and very deep with just the right amount of sugar. The best part of DRY Rhubarb is that it doesn't leave a strong aftertaste, making it very refreshing. It cleanses the palette, so it's almost like you are starting from scratch after every sip.

Cocktail Suggestions: Currant Vodka, Whiskey

Crotch Grabs From the King of Pop: 8/10

A C.R.E.A.M. Soda That's Wu-Tang Approved

I've been listening to the new Big Boi album on steady rotation since I picked it up last week, but before that I was on a 90's Hip Hop bender. My roommate Aaron and I scour the Amoeba clearance bins and grab anything from Kris Kross to Craig Mack. One day I was thoroughly enjoying a Sprecher Cream Soda and spinning records when my fingers stopped on "C.R.E.A.M." by Wu-Tang. I was hella psyched. The End. Here's what I drank today...

Sprecher Cream Soda, Milwaukee WI

Sprecher taste like childhood to me. Like a big load of childhood sprayed all over my face and mouth. Sorry I had to it was too easy. Seriously though I love this cream soda, it's perfect in every way. Sprecher really knows how to balance the sweetness, acidity and carbonation right. Their sodas usually have a very spiced taste and this one is no different. I tasted cinnamon and either clove or allspice. If you love cream sodas and you haven't tried this one you are a failure, I am disappoint. That was my disappointed Asian father impression not a typo.
Cocktail Suggestions: Drink it by itself ya DumDum!
Crotch Grab Rating: 10/10 Grabs!

In Soviet Russia, Soda Drinks You

I think this experiment is taking a toll on my body. I can't sleep from all the caffeine, I've gained a couple of pounds and I'm down to six teeth. But I must continue in the name of science. One good thing that has come from this is the new ability to distinguish Root Beer from Birch Beer. And by distinguish I mean not distinguish at all, they taste exactly the same. With that said, here's what I guzzled today...

Leninade, Gardena CA

This bottle is riddled with semi-clever tags such as "A Taste Worth Standing In Line For", and "Get Hammered And Sickled!". I don't really understand that last one seeing as it doesn't contain any alcohol, and "Get Sickled" just sounds like "Get Sick". The taste of the soda itself uninspiring and sure didn't conjure up images of an unattainable social utopia. It wasn't sweet at all and barely tasted like lemonade. Also, it was heavily carbonated which is uncharacteristic of lemonade. Everything was backwards, like in the Motherland. Overall it was a shitty soda. There, I said it. Now we can move on.

Cocktail Suggestions: Stoli and Leninade

Rating: 6 Crotch Grabs From The King of Pop

Boylan's Original Birch Beer, Moonachie NJ

Like I said earlier, Birch Beer and Root Beer taste almost identical. If there is a distinguishing characteristic that sets them apart I couldn't tell. The ingredients list Birch extract which makes me wonder if they just use sap from a Birch tree. Who was the first person to look at a Birch tree and think, "Hey, I want to drink that". Boylan's uses real cane sugar which is always a plus, unless they put too much in which was the case with this soda. While I was drinking it I couldn't tell but as soon as I let up it was as if an IED made of sugar had exploded in the figurative war-zone that was my mouth. My teeth were the casualties in this senseless drama, gritty with the aftermath of the situation, replaying the scenario over and over. Luckily I had an exit strategy and chucked the last half of the soda.
Cocktail Suggestions: Whiskey and Birch Beer
Rating: 5 Crotch Grabs From The King of Pop

Three Cheers For Cheerwine

I got shit-faced last night at Funky Sole. I woke up this morning and wanted nothing more than to crack a cold sodie and marinate. But...I chose the responsible path and rehydrated my dried, shriveled insides with Mother Nature's original soda. I needed something to get the 2 A.M. roach coach Carnitas taste out of my mouth.
In other news, my roommate Aaron and I have been tossing around ideas for rating systems since letter grades are so 90's. I came up with a "Crotch Grab" scale, one crotch grab being horrible and 10 crotch grabs being excellent. The one doing the crotch grabs will be none other than the King of Pop (see what I did there), Michael Jackson. So without further ado, here's what I drank, uhhh, a couple of days ago...

Cheerwine, Colfax NC

If you've ever seen Eastbound and Down, there's a scene in the final episode of the first season where Kenny Powers is giving a motivational speech to a bunch of kids outside of a school when a truck unknowingly parks between Kenny and the crowd. That truck is a Cheerwine truck. I have no idea why I remember that but I'm waiting for it to come up on trivia night (fingers crossed). This soda is real smooth with just the right amount of carbonation and taste not unlike Cherry Dr. Pep Pep. It left a little bit of a syrupy taste in my mouth but overall this puppy is tasty. I highly recommend it.

Cocktail Suggestion: Cheerwine and Vodka with a Twist of Orange
Rating: 8 Crotch Grabs from the King of Pop

What Just Took A Dump on My Tongue?

Sodas are like contestants on America's Got Talent. Some are unassuming but totally kick ass, some are flashy but don't deliver, and once in a while you get a hack that is neither talented nor presentable that is cast purely for the WTF factor. With that said, here's what I drank today...

Sprecher Ginger Ale, Milwaukee WI-Grade F

You might think I'm being a little too harsh giving this ginger ale an F until you try this wretched elixir for yourself. Just looking at it will make you want to hork up that Chili's Three Couse Meal for Two that you ate all by yourself. The tagline is "Icy Cool and Spicy Hot with Real Ginger!". I think that's code for "Heartburn-Inducing Anti-Freeze with Real Ginger!". I could only take a few sips before capping it and putting it back in the fridge to be forgotten. Surely you could imagine how disappointed I was seeing as this soda is from my hometown. My friend Mike recommended this one, he either has really bad taste or he was messing with me. Cocktail Suggestions: Don't make a cocktail with this.

Goya Grapefruit Soda, Secaucus NJ-Grade C+

Goya sodas and nectars can be found anywhere but I've never seen this grapefruit soda. I love grapefruit (and anything bitter in general) but prefer Ruby Red over White grapefruit. Nonetheless I was pretty psyched to try this little guy. While staying true to the grape-fruity taste, it was a tad too bitter. I had trouble finishing it but felt guilty wasting any. It became more of a burden than a pleasure. That's not what I look for in a soda, or women, or anything. It might work as a mixer in place of sour mix to be paired with one's favorite Whiskey.

Howdy Soda Fans!

I have way too much soda in my possession than I know what to do with. I figured the logical thing to do was to review them so no one would ever make the mistake of buying this much soda again. Instead, they could just read the reviews and laugh at me when I contract diabetes. Assholes. So without further ado, here's what I drank today.

Red Ribbon Original Cherry Supreme, Natrona PA-Grade: A

I admit, I was already on the prowl for this one before I had walked in Galcos Market. Being a lover of anything cherry-flavored I'm perhaps a little biased to be reviewing such an exquisite beverage. Red Ribbon did it right when they made this overwhelmingly cherry soda. Seriously, it's almost too much cherry, but not quite. It's not too fizzy or syrupy and has a pleasant but not too present aftertaste. It would make a great mixed drink with vodka or gin.

Cocktail Suggestion-Cherry Supreme, Vodka, Orange Juice, Squirt of Lime

Double Cola, Chattanooga TN-Grade B

Double Cola's tagline is "Double Measure, Double Pleasure". I had only 1.5 times the pleasure I thought I would drinking this guy. I should sue them for false advertising. Double Cola is a solid, no frills cola that is easy to keep sipping on. It's not too syrupy which means it doesn't linger in your mouth like a drunk guy at the end of a party who no one knows. It's worth checking out, but not necessary.

Cocktail Suggestion: Double Cola and Rum